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Hesitater EP

by Wolf Larva

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1.
Sicker 01:14
Don't look at me, I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I've failed all sorts of tests I just can't get enough rest-- But wait for the kicker, I just keep getting sicker When I just want to be free, instead I'm down on my knees, Screaming "I need release!" Round after round, I keep taking the pounds, Life's sure got me down, But it gets me around Time after time, and year after year I'm trying my best, Working through every fear This road sure is long Towards the end of my tongue Why don't you give it a run? But can't you see, I'm a mess, I'm a wreck, I will just run away You can't make me pay I won't earn my stay I'll do it my way, despite the decay I won't help you out I won't see the day The day that I change Become an adult, or ever feel shame Don't look to me, I'm sure not to blame No, don't talk to me I'm too far away I'm off in my head In a distant land Here to stay so don't wait.
2.
Disease 03:30
Falling into Earthly traps, unable to adapt. Don't get sick, distracted, reevaluate these actions. Farouche resolutions, ecstatic connections, slipping away, for venal substitutions. Slipping in the cracks of a parasitic culture, scrounging myopic medicine, knowing it won't help her. Hidden isolation, controlling every action. The pressure is closing in, closing in. Careful as you tear apart your flesh, I think your world is poisoned. Escapism is no longer an option, it's adhering to the virus. Pacifism is an act of violence. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way; even still I hope you can stay. Fight this disease another day.
3.
Sludge 02:34
These words drip from my mouth like spoiled milk. Possessed among us, corrupted shadows lingering Drugs destroying the brain Dark leeches, consuming the light; override The beauty is destroyed so we forget what it looks like. Shapes & forms & thoughts & light & color come together. Darkness shall & darkness might never ever see the light. In a moment, the black air leaves in the moment, a candle breathes. Soaked in sludge, we drudge, addicted to selfish love. We only enjoy beauty after it's gone, but not while we're destroying it. In a society that glorifies substance abuse, sobriety is a rebellious act. Vulnerability is a radical behavior. Empathy and compassion have become innovative. The courage to be yourself is progressive. Refusing to partake in a materialistic culture is criminalized. Abusing the shadows in glittering lights, our fiefdom has fallen. Vespine underbelly, you've all erased yourself, & detached from your souls. Can we heal the sick, so far gone?
4.
This world does not support the soul the soul supports this world Don't fall into these Earthly traps. Can you see what you've become. Can you remember your soul, are you still able to transcend beyond these distractions and the Ego? Can we achieve our true selves before death becomes us? Changing shifting these blurs of watercolor cars driving by, the sounds stay distant, research emerges in memories, I see the grime in the tub left over. I am not bothered by the presence, my polaroid may have stolen her clothes but she stole my understanding. The urban countryside holds so many mysteries; I see why none of you show your face. It's easier to hide than to be ripped open for all to see, but at least unlike the rest of you I feel free. These shaded lenses changing our views I am unleashed in therapeutic mania, but if I leave how much will come back? The answer is change as death becomes us.
5.
So Cold 03:35
Walking down the hallway and I think of you. Flashes eye lashes unthought out gashes. How much time will pass before we meet. I look down at my feet and my reality fades away… My skin feels like clay for you to form our love is undying yet unborn. I hide the gloves in what seems to be a locker. Go talk to her Just walk with her Try to figure out the reason for love in this season. "Why do you like me?" oh no reason. Your body just aches to be pleased in. I wish I could just explain why I alway think of you when it rains. Am I acting drastic? This glass I'm forced to look through is fantastic sorry if I seem sarcastic My mind won't last quick so show me the way to get out of this never ending night I fight myself daily my mind has always been hazy I'm lost and I wish you could find me. Blind me from all these daily fatalities. But my realities overlap Walking down this road I recognize I realize all around me is just tricks and lies. I look into your mirror and get distracted by a reflection. It's me but I can't see my face. All I can see is black I guess I really did lose track When will you realize I depersonalize when your near me So I fear thee I wanna be free but then who doesn't I'm just trying to figure out where I was and wasn't I don't care who does it just come through so I can a buzz quick Her loves sick My story feels like a bad love flick. No wait I got a couple tricks If you got the patience i'll show you how I work & turn you into one of my frequent patients. So just call me Dr. as I'm careful & unbox her vision is blurry angry at how fast this jury is to judge I refuse to budge now that it's apparent that I exist I wish it was easier to remove this sludge that covers me I hear you hover over me crying Wishing it was you the one who was really dying. I tell you everything is fine but you know I'm the one lying I'm sorry I'm gone now I'm sorry my brain will always be frying
6.
Nightmare closure, disconnected. Memories of shadow rooms, minds release, collapsing from fighting the addiction monster. Dark secrets knife the edge of delusion, no sleep, no art, no love, no improvement, more pills, more pills, more pills, more pills. A lost opportunity, these human suppressants, resenting a familiar skin. Colours fading. Locked in your room, losing your childhood face. No sleep dreaming. I'll see you after.
7.
Colder 02:19
The other night I had a dream I saw you outside You were left out in the snow Left all alone I know it was cold, your body was covered in bruises & blisters, bleeding, unclothed. You screamed out at me "Why didn't you help me?" It was so dark, yet you were so clear in the streetlights. I tried to help you I wanted to help you You had told me several times how much the cold hurt And now I understand It wasn't just your body the cold was in your soul But at least now you're in a place where you can finally be warm. And I just have to walk away Just walk away Just walk away Just walk away Just walk away …just walk away.

about

In dedication to my older brother Sean (10-9-90 to 7-3-2018)

credits

released November 16, 2019

All composing, music production, lyrics, vocals, mixing, and mastering done by me.
Exception is the lyrics for So Cold: written by my brother Sean, edited by me.
Album artwork by Christopher Vickers.

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about

Wolf Larva Denver, Colorado

A young tunesmith. Sitting in the industrial, ambient, noisey, avant garde, glitchy, IDM, dark wave, queer area of things.

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